When it comes to the sex that gay and bisexual men have, anal sex is what most people think of and is commonly misunderstood.
However, we all have our own turn ons and what works for one guy might be totally different for another.
There’s no right and wrong when it comes to the sex you’re into – it’s all about making sure you’re having the sex you want with the most pleasure and the least harm for all involved.
In our Good Sex Guide we look at some of the different types of sex you may be having, offering tips to get the most out of it and how to stay safe. Enjoy!
Orgasms, or cumming, happens when your body reaches peak pleasure. It’s not the be all and end all of having sex, and how you experience an orgasm can vary from one person to another. When cumming, it’s always a good idea to figure out what your partner’s thoughts are about cum before you go shooting it all over his face. Cum play can be a new dimension to sex but it just depends what you both are in to.
To make cumming more intense and pleasurable there are a number of things you can try:
The best way to achieve great orgasms is by learning what you and your partner like and exploring all parts of your bodies.
Kissing is a fantastic way to start to understand your partner. It can be as simple or as experimental as you like: from closed lips to biting. It’s a great way of finding out what your partner likes and let them know what works for you.
Whichever way you do it, kissing is the perfect way to set the mood and relax. You could be passionate with it or you could slowly build it up, getting more intense as you go.
It’s a good idea to do some exploring as well. Kissing doesn’t have to just be about your lips. While you are kissing you can get your hands involved - kissing can set your body in motion. Put your arms around them or grab the back of their head, bringing them in, for a more intense experience. You might as well make some noise! This is your chance to let out some groans when your partner does something you like.
Just remember that kissing will be different with each and every partner and, that your lips are an extremely sensitive and pleasurable part of your body.
Wanking, jacking off, bashing one out - call it what you want, the fact is that most, if not all, men masturbate.
Masturbation can be done on your own, with a partner or in group situations. However you do it, there’s nothing strange or weird – in fact, masturbation is a perfectly normal and healthy part of any man’s sex life. Not only is it enjoyable and natural but it releases sexual tension.
Having someone else wank you off (mutual masturbation) is something that lots of guys do while making out, or just for some fun. It allows you and your partner to explore each other and find out what turns you on and feels good. If you’re wanking a guy off, it can feel good to lubricate your hand, especially if he has been circumcised (cut). He’ll thank you for it!
However, there’s more to masturbation than using your hands. You can get toys (male masturbators) which you stick your cock in and jack off to a get more pleasurable experience. You can also use objects or items that can feel good against your cock.
And it's not just about your cock, your arse can open a whole new world of pleasure. Some guys will put a finger or two up their ass, others will try and stimulate the prostate which can be felt in your anal canal, others use dildos when they are horny and having fun.
Wanking is pretty much risk-free, although doing it for long periods of time can lead to abrasions. If you have cuts and sores on your cock, it can be uncomfortable and may increase the risk of STIs if you are fucking or sucking. Mutual masturbation is also low risk, although be careful not to get any cum or pre-cum inside your cock or arse just to be safer. And don’t use cum as lube when wanking each other, as this is a potential risk for STIs.
Here are some tips you can try either on your own or with a partner.
Blowjob, sucking or oral sex is one of the most common things that guys do to each other. It can be a lot of fun, intimate and give you mind-blowing orgasms. It’s probably one of the sexiest things on earth when a guy is giving your cock all that attention! Equally, sucking a guy can also lead to great pleasure for you as you are the one that is making him feel turned on as you play with his cock.
What people like in terms of blowjobs is different for everyone and one of the best things is exploring it with each other to see what each of you like. Whether that be slow and gentle or fast and strong, that’s for you to decide. If you are giving your partner a blowjob, remember no cock is exactly the same so your technique should be tailored to your partner’s pleasure.
For a lot of men, the most sensitive area of the cock is the head and this is where they like to have most attention paid. In particular, the fraenulum (or banjo string) that attaches your foreskin to the head of your penis. Guys who are circumcised often like some attention around the scar line and corona (ridge) of the penis head. In both cut and uncut guys, plenty of attention to the head of the cock is a real turn-on.
Other things that guys like include: face fucking where you thrust the cock into your partner's mouth, or deep-throating, where the cock goes down his throat. Be careful with both of these techniques as your cock can trigger a gagging reflex that could lead to a painful bite!
Here are some tips that might be worth trying the next time you give or receive a blowjob:
If you’re getting sucked, it’s a good idea to know what your partner's preference is for where you cum. He might not want you to cum in his mouth so it's important to discuss his preference beforehand. If you’re giving someone a blowjob and you want them to cum in your mouth, it’s your call whether you want to spit or swallow.
Sucking cock carries a low risk of transmitting HIV, and there is also a risk of other STIs. The best way to protect yourself and your partner is to use a condom.
Anal sex (fucking) can be great and for many people, it is the ultimate sexual goal. For others, it might be something that you do occasionally, or only within the context of a loving relationship. Of course, it might also be something that you have no interest in and don’t want to do.
Whatever you choose, it is about ensuring that you are having the right type of consensual and pleasurable sex for you.
Fucking is not an exact science, nor are there any hard and fast rules. The most important thing is that it should be pleasurable for both you and your partner. Preference over active or passive fucking (giving or receiving) is not a reflection of masculinity or a lack thereof – it’s simply down to what you enjoy. Additionally, deciding that fucking isn’t for you doesn’t make you an inadequate gay man. Never let anyone tell you that you have to fuck or be fucked to have a good sex life. It’s is all about what you do or don’t want to do.
If it’s your first time fucking, or being fucked, or you’re not very experienced you might have a few worries. You should discuss this with your partner. If you still have questions you can chat this through with one of the SX team. Being informed is the best way for you to feel confident around the sex you’re having, and it can help you enjoy it more.
Many men who are new to fucking don’t realise that it can be a little sore the first couple of times for the person being fucked. Even for more experienced men, a little discomfort is normal but it shouldn’t be extremely painful. If it is, the chances are you’re rushing into things. Anal sex is best when you are more relaxed. This is because your arse has muscles (the sphincter) that help keep everything in place and keep you continent. So don’t rush things.
Not everyone enjoys their first time being fucked, or even the second or third... but most guys often enjoy it more and more as they get used to it.
If you're not used to being fucked, or indeed are new to it, here are some tips that might help you get started:
If for some reason this position doesn't work for you, a variation that some guys find easier is for both of you to lie on your side, facing the same direction.
Once you're feeling confident and comfortable, you could go for another position altogether - you should now be able to get his cock back in fairly easily when you need to.
Other great positions to try when you're ready are:
1) Start on your back with him kneeling between your legs. Lift your legs so that they are resting on his shoulders. One big advantage of this one is that you can look into each other's eyes.
2) On all fours with him kneeling behind you. You can't really see him, but the sensation is very different to other positions and allows you to feel that he is in charge. However, you should always feel comfortable with this and make sure that he understands when things get uncomfortable or you want to stop.
The important thing is to take your time. Get used to how it feels to have another man’s cock inside you.
Unprotected fucking carries the highest risk of HIV and hepatitis C infection. Using a condom will drastically reduce the likelihood of HIV and other STIs being passed between you. Make sure you agree that condoms are to be worn for the duration, and remember that they should be changed every 30 minutes to prevent breaking. When it comes to fucking there is no such thing as too much lubrication!
It is normal to notice a little bit of blood, especially if you’re new to fucking. However, it’s pretty hard to damage the inside of your arse unless you put something too big or too sharp up there. A cock is far too blunt and flexible to do damage.
Also, your sphincter can stretch much more than you would expect and will go back to its normal position. If you are into fisting or use large sex toys on a regular basis then you may have a higher risk of stretching your muscles that could lead to incontinence in later life.
Fucking, like all sex, is something that you will do when you want to, and with whom you want to do it. It is always your decision. Remember sex is about enjoyment and pleasure for both you and your partner so don’t let anyone force you into doing it when you'd rather not.
Just as we all have different tastes in clothes, music and food it’s the same when it comes to sex.
Some are happy with a suck, a wank and a fuck (what is sometimes referred to as ‘vanilla sex’); others have tastes that could be considered to be a little more unusual. But just because they are unusual doesn’t mean they are wrong – just as enjoying Marmite isn’t wrong!
Some sexual activities are referred to as BDSM.
BDSM covers a whole range of activities that often involve the use of restraint, stimulation of the senses or fantasy role-play. Activities can involve a mix of Bondage and Discipline; Dominance and Submission; Sadism and Masochism (which is where the term BDSM comes from).
It’s not all about pain though - BDSM is often focussed on a mix of power, humiliation and pleasure. Some may take on a dominant or submissive role because it is different from what they normally are in life; others do it because it reinforces how they normally are. The main motivation is a sense of pleasure and enjoyment, which may or may not be sexual.
As some of the activities in BDSM could result in injury or worse, safety is important. There are a couple of golden rules to consider.
Make sure that:
This is one of the more common types of BDSM activity. It involves the physical restraining of another person and is an important element in dominant/submissive role-play and fantasies.
Bondage can involve ropes, straps, harnesses, handcuffs, belts or even a necktie. Often arms or legs are tied to household furniture. More specialised forms can involve wrapping in cloth, cling-film or tape known as mummification.
Never leave a bound person alone; ensure they can breathe easily; change their position at least once an hour and make sure they can be released easily.
Again used in dominant/submissive role-play, this involves a series of rules or commands that if broken or not carried out properly will result in punishment.
Punishments may vary e.g. smacking with a hand, cane or other objects: not being allowed to do something that the submissive partner enjoys or being forced to do something he doesn’t enjoy; or verbal abuse/humiliation.
Rimming is licking or pushing your tongue inside your partner's arse. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but a lot of men love it. It’s often, but not necessarily, done a precursor to fucking as it can help your partner relax.
The most common ways to do it are to have your partner lying on his front or sitting on your face. This is a personal preference, just go with what you enjoy.
Rimming is very low risk in terms of HIV, but there are other STIs you can pick up through it, including chlamydia, gonorrhoea and hepatitis B. You can be vaccinated against hepatitis A & B for free at a sexual health clinic, including at our weekly m-test drop in. We recommend this for all men who have sex with men.
If you want to be extra safe you can use a dental dam (which come in different flavours) to protect you and your partner, this is just a latex sheet that you can place over your partner's arse hole.
Fisting is when one guy puts his hand inside another guy’s ass for pleasure. The difference between fisting and fingering is that for fisting the hand must go at least past the wrist and possibly further. Like any muscle, your sphincter can be expanded with careful and slow exercise.
For many men, fisting someone, or being fisted, is a massively horny experience. Some men see it as an extremely intimate experience, as you are putting your trust in the hand of your partner. Others find the physical and emotional connection to be a big turn on.
Fisting is not for everyone. It is important that you are comfortable with it and fully understand what you are doing. This is why communication throughout the activity is key. If you are new to being fisted then you should make sure the person who is fisting you has some experience of it.
If you are going to be the fister, take a bit of time to plan what is going to happen. This can make things go a lot smoother, and safer.
Lubrication is essential.
Crisco, Boy Butter, J-lube and aqueous cream, are all types of lube used by men into fisting. It is important that the receiving arse and fisting hand are well lubricated. This makes it easier to insert the hand and also decreases the chance of injury to the arse or the lining inside the arse. However, you need to be careful with the type of lube you use if you are also planning to fuck after fisting. Many lubes used for fisting are oil-based, which will cause condoms to weaken and burst.
Communication and consent
Communication is key. It is important to understand what you and your partner want, what the limits are, and what the agreed ‘safe words’ are to stop fisting if it goes too far for one of you.
Consent is not just a one-off, it's constant. You always have the right to withdraw consent at any time. If your partner has taken drugs or consumed alcohol then he may not be in a position to consent freely. He must consent voluntarily and be in a position to withdraw consent at any time. It is an offence to pressure someone into sexual activity without consent.
Lots of fun can be had leading up to taking a fist: tongues, fingers, dildos and cocks are useful practise tools to help relax your arse. Being relaxed is vital, as the more tense your arse is, the harder it will be to take your partner's hand. If you are the fister, spend some time relaxing your partner by gently playing around his asshole. Remember, if you are going to fuck as well, use condoms to help prevent STIs. But also remember to use a condom-safe lube. If you are not using condoms, PrEP can prevent the transmission of HIV.
Fisting your partner
Being the fister (top)
You are the person your partner (the bottom) has placed his trust in. Respect is one of the key considerations here. Always make sure that you, and the person you are fisting, are able to communicate with each other. Some men agree ‘safe words’ in case things start to feel uncomfortable or they want to stop. Fisting is not a place for the novice, the fister should be confident in what they are doing. It is important to make sure that fingernails are short in order to prevent the risk of tears inside your partner's ass. A few key points to note are:
Being fisted can be one of the most sexually charged experiences possible. For some, it is one of the most satisfying sexual activities. For others, it gives them a feeling of fullness that can’t be achieved by a cock. Whatever your reason for being fisted, it is important that you do it with someone who knows what they are doing. A novice fister could cause a lot of damage to you. A few key points to note are:
Although fisting is sometimes viewed as extreme, in terms of HIV it is still very low risk. The main concern is causing internal damage to the lining of your rectal wall. If this happens you could have a tear in your rectum, which can allow faecal matter to enter the bloodstream causing sepsis - which is serious and potentially fatal. Exercise care! Fisting doesn’t require large or vigorous movement of the inserted hand to cause a powerful sensation for the person being fisted. Sometimes it can be far more pleasurable when slower movements are used.