When it comes to the sex that gay and bisexual men have, anal sex is what most people think of and is commonly misunderstood. 

However, we all have our own turn ons and what works for one guy might be totally different for another.

There’s no right and wrong when it comes to the sex you’re into – it’s all about making sure you’re having the sex you want with the most pleasure and the least harm for all involved.

In our Good Sex Guide we look at some of the different types of sex you may be having, offering tips to get the most out of it and how to stay safe. Enjoy!

Orgasm

Orgasms, or cumming, happens when your body reaches peak pleasure. It’s not the be all and end all of having sex, and how you experience an orgasm can vary from one person to another. When cumming, it’s always a good idea to figure out what your partner’s thoughts are about cum before you go shooting it all over his face. Cum play can be a new dimension to sex but it just depends what you both are in to.

To make cumming more intense and pleasurable there are a number of things you can try:

  • Anal stimulation and playing with your or your partners prostate is a great way to intensify your orgasm. It can be as simple as a lubed up finger massaging the prostate, or full on fucking. Regardless, it will make your orgasm more intense.
  • Make sure you and your partner are relaxed and able to communicate with each other about what you’re enjoying and not enjoying
  • Edging is getting yourself or partner to the point of cumming only to stop and wait for the sensation to pass and start again. What this does is build up your orgasm and make it more intense and pleasurable for when you do finally cum. If you find that you cum quite quickly this is a great way of learning to control your orgasms and have more pleasurable and longer sex.
  • Sex toys are also a great way to build up your orgasm using vibrators, prostate massagers and other anal toys. Toys can make cumming a more intense experience.
  • Different areas of your cock can be more sensitive, for example – frenulum better known as a banjo string or the head which can increase your pleasure when played with.

The best way to achieve great orgasms is by learning what you and your partner like and exploring all parts of your bodies.

Kissing

Kissing is a fantastic way to start to understand your partner. It can be as simple or as experimental as you like: from closed lips to biting. It’s a great way of finding out what your partner likes and let them know what works for you.

Whichever way you do it, kissing is the perfect way to set the mood and relax. You could be passionate with it or you could slowly build it up, getting more intense as you go.

It’s a good idea to do some exploring as well. Kissing doesn’t have to just be about your lips. While you are kissing you can get your hands involved - kissing can set your body in motion. Put your arms around them or grab the back of their head, bringing them in, for a more intense experience. You might as well make some noise! This is your chance to let out some groans when your partner does something you like.

Get experimental:

  • Don’t forget that kissing doesn’t have to be just about the lips - explore the neck and nipples as well to get your partner excited.
  • Nibbling on your partner’s ears or nipples can be a great chance to entice your partner.
  • You can incorporate things like ice or food to play with the sensitivity of your and your partner’s lips.

Just remember that kissing will be different with each and every partner and, that your lips are an extremely sensitive and pleasurable part of your body.

Masturbation

Wanking, jacking off, bashing one out - call it what you want, the fact is that most, if not all, men masturbate. 

Masturbation can be done on your own, with a partner or in group situations. However you do it, there’s nothing strange or weird – in fact, masturbation is a perfectly normal and healthy part of any man’s sex life. Not only is it enjoyable and natural but it releases sexual tension.

Having someone else wank you off (mutual masturbation) is something that lots of guys do while making out, or just for some fun. It allows you and your partner to explore each other and find out what turns you on and feels good. If you’re wanking a guy off, it can feel good to lubricate your hand, especially if he has been circumcised (cut).  He’ll thank you for it!

However, there’s more to masturbation than using your hands. You can get toys (male masturbators) which you stick your cock in and jack off to a get more pleasurable experience. You can also use objects or items that can feel good against your cock.

And it's not just about your cock, your arse can open a whole new world of pleasure. Some guys will put a finger or two up their ass, others will try and stimulate the prostate which can be felt in your anal canal, others use dildos when they are horny and having fun.

Wanking is pretty much risk-free, although doing it for long periods of time can lead to abrasions. If you have cuts and sores on your cock, it can be uncomfortable and may increase the risk of STIs if you are fucking or sucking. Mutual masturbation is also low risk, although be careful not to get any cum or pre-cum inside your cock or arse just to be safer. And don’t use cum as lube when wanking each other, as this is a potential risk for STIs. 

Here are some tips you can try either on your own or with a partner.

  • Place some lube on the palm of your hand and rub the head of your/his cock against it.
  • Lie sideways on your bed, grasp your cock and brace your hand against the bed, begin thrusting in and out of your hand, as if you’re fucking.
  • Stop and Go! - Begin to wank as you normally would, then stop when you feel yourself or your partner about to cum. Lie back and relax, and then start again. Repeat this at least four times.
  • Some men also enjoy rubbing their cocks against their partner this is known as outsex or frottage. It is the stop before penetration and can be really intimate without going the whole way. Be careful though of any fluids such as cum getting into the body, as this is a higher risk for other STIs such as syphilis and chlamydia.
  • Insert your finger into your, or your partner's, arse while you are jerking off, gently go beyond the slight curve inside and you may feel the prostate. This gland can give an amazing orgasm when massaged and it can feel really intimate.
Oral Sex

Blowjob, sucking or oral sex is one of the most common things that guys do to each other. It can be a lot of fun, intimate and give you mind-blowing orgasms. It’s probably one of the sexiest things on earth when a guy is giving your cock all that attention! Equally, sucking a guy can also lead to great pleasure for you as you are the one that is making him feel turned on as you play with his cock.

What people like in terms of blowjobs is different for everyone and one of the best things is exploring it with each other to see what each of you like. Whether that be slow and gentle or fast and strong, that’s for you to decide. If you are giving your partner a blowjob, remember no cock is exactly the same so your technique should be tailored to your partner’s pleasure.

For a lot of men, the most sensitive area of the cock is the head and this is where they like to have most attention paid. In particular, the fraenulum (or banjo string) that attaches your foreskin to the head of your penis. Guys who are circumcised often like some attention around the scar line and corona (ridge) of the penis head. In both cut and uncut guys, plenty of attention to the head of the cock is a real turn-on.

Other things that guys like include: face fucking where you thrust the cock into your partner's mouth, or deep-throating, where the cock goes down his throat. Be careful with both of these techniques as your cock can trigger a gagging reflex that could lead to a painful bite!

Here are some tips that might be worth trying the next time you give or receive a blowjob:

  • Take it slowly and relax, there’s no need to rush in - build up the intensity by kissing him all over his body and teasing his cock.
  • Change the sensation by drinking things like sparkling water or hot drinks (not too hot), or eating foods like mints or ice-cream.
  • Get your hands involved – rub his cock while you suck and play with the sensitive skin behind his balls. Some guys like to have their nipples stimulated when you’re sucking.
  • Use your tongue to stimulate the foreskin or, if he’s cut, the scar line.
  • Talk to each other – ask what he likes.
  • If you gag when deep-throating, try drinking orange juice to make it easier.
  • Breathe out through your nose and take a deep breath before his cock goes in your mouth as this can increase capacity.

If you’re getting sucked, it’s a good idea to know what your partner's preference is for where you cum. He might not want you to cum in his mouth so it's important to discuss his preference beforehand. If you’re giving someone a blowjob and you want them to cum in your mouth, it’s your call whether you want to spit or swallow.

Sucking cock carries a low risk of transmitting HIV, and there is also a risk of other STIs. The best way to protect yourself and your partner is to use a condom.

Anal Sex

Anal sex (fucking) can be great and for many people, it is the ultimate sexual goal. For others, it might be something that you do occasionally, or only within the context of a loving relationship. Of course, it might also be something that you have no interest in and don’t want to do.

Whatever you choose, it is about ensuring that you are having the right type of consensual and pleasurable sex for you.

Fucking is not an exact science, nor are there any hard and fast rules. The most important thing is that it should be pleasurable for both you and your partner. Preference over active or passive fucking (giving or receiving) is not a reflection of masculinity or a lack thereof – it’s simply down to what you enjoy. Additionally, deciding that fucking isn’t for you doesn’t make you an inadequate gay man. Never let anyone tell you that you have to fuck or be fucked to have a good sex life. It’s is all about what you do or don’t want to do.
 
If it’s your first time fucking, or being fucked, or you’re not very experienced you might have a few worries. You should discuss this with your partner. If you still have questions you can chat this through with one of the SX team. Being informed is the best way for you to feel confident around the sex you’re having, and it can help you enjoy it more.

Many men who are new to fucking don’t realise that it can be a little sore the first couple of times for the person being fucked. Even for more experienced men, a little discomfort is normal but it shouldn’t be extremely painful. If it is, the chances are you’re rushing into things. Anal sex is best when you are more relaxed. This is because your arse has muscles (the sphincter) that help keep everything in place and keep you continent. So don’t rush things.

Not everyone enjoys their first time being fucked, or even the second or third... but most guys often enjoy it more and more as they get used to it.

If you're not used to being fucked, or indeed are new to it, here are some tips that might help you get started:

  • Some guys find fingering or rimming helpful to make them more comfortable ahead of fucking.
  • Have plenty of lube at the ready - make sure the active partner applies plenty of lube to the outside of his cock and that none is on the inside of the condom.
  • It’s a good idea to also spend a bit of time applying lube to the outside and inside of your partner’s arse. This helps you slip it in a bit easier.
  • If you’re new to being fucked, being on top can help you feel more in charge of how deep, fast, and what angle the cock goes in.
  • Ask your partner to lie on his back and kneel over him, with your ass over his cock.
  • Lower yourself onto his cock and push down gently until he starts to enter you. Feel free to use your hands to guide him in.
  • If you feel uncomfortable, ease off slightly so that you're applying as much pressure as you can without it being too painful.
  • Wait! This can be difficult if you're feeling impatient, but you need to keep that level of pressure on your arse. After a short while (usually up to 30 seconds) your sphincter will get used to the pressure and simply relax. You should then suddenly feel his cock slide into you ... pretty painlessly!
  • If you're finding it difficult/painful to get it in, try pushing out a little (like you do when you go to the toilet) when he is trying to enter you. It will make it easier and more comfortable.
  • If you’re still finding it difficult, apply some more lube to both his cock and the inside and outside of your arse and continue.
  • Once his cock's inside you, stay still and give yourself a few seconds to get used to how it feels. It’s normal to have the feeling of needing to poo or feeling full, this should ease after a couple of seconds.
  • Now try gently moving up or down on his cock.

If for some reason this position doesn't work for you, a variation that some guys find easier is for both of you to lie on your side, facing the same direction.

Once you're feeling confident and comfortable, you could go for another position altogether - you should now be able to get his cock back in fairly easily when you need to.

Other great positions to try when you're ready are:

1) Start on your back with him kneeling between your legs. Lift your legs so that they are resting on his shoulders. One big advantage of this one is that you can look into each other's eyes.

2) On all fours with him kneeling behind you. You can't really see him, but the sensation is very different to other positions and allows you to feel that he is in charge. However, you should always feel comfortable with this and make sure that he understands when things get uncomfortable or you want to stop.

The important thing is to take your time. Get used to how it feels to have another man’s cock inside you.  

Safer Fucking
 
Unprotected fucking carries the highest risk of HIV and hepatitis C infection. Using a condom will drastically reduce the likelihood of HIV and other STIs being passed between you. Make sure you agree that condoms are to be worn for the duration, and remember that they should be changed every 30 minutes to prevent breaking. When it comes to fucking there is no such thing as too much lubrication!
 
It is normal to notice a little bit of blood, especially if you’re new to fucking. However, it’s pretty hard to damage the inside of your arse unless you put something too big or too sharp up there. A cock is far too blunt and flexible to do damage.

Also, your sphincter can stretch much more than you would expect and will go back to its normal position. If you are into fisting or use large sex toys on a regular basis then you may have a higher risk of stretching your muscles that could lead to incontinence in later life.
 
Fucking, like all sex, is something that you will do when you want to, and with whom you want to do it.  It is always your decision. Remember sex is about enjoyment and pleasure for both you and your partner so don’t let anyone force you into doing it when you'd rather not.

BDSM

Just as we all have different tastes in clothes, music and food it’s the same when it comes to sex.

Some are happy with a suck, a wank and a fuck (what is sometimes referred to as ‘vanilla sex’); others have tastes that could be considered to be a little more unusual. But just because they are unusual doesn’t mean they are wrong – just as enjoying Marmite isn’t wrong!

Some sexual activities are referred to as BDSM.

BDSM covers a whole range of activities that often involve the use of restraint, stimulation of the senses or fantasy role-play. Activities can involve a mix of Bondage and Discipline; Dominance and Submission; Sadism and Masochism (which is where the term BDSM comes from).

It’s not all about pain though - BDSM is often focussed on a mix of power, humiliation and pleasure. Some may take on a dominant or submissive role because it is different from what they normally are in life; others do it because it reinforces how they normally are. The main motivation is a sense of pleasure and enjoyment, which may or may not be sexual.

Safety First
As some of the activities in BDSM could result in injury or worse, safety is important. There are a couple of golden rules to consider.

Make sure that:

  • all those involved are able to consent to anything you do. 
  • you discuss and agree to what is going to take place and fully trust everyone involved.
  • clear limits are recognised. This should involve the use of a ‘safe word’ that will stop all activity. The role play element may mean that the submissive partner will pretend not to wish to take part and in this case saying ‘No’ doesn’t mean No. Very often an unconnected word is used as the safe word, e.g. 'Jellybean'; or the traffic light sequence (Green: OK, Amber: Take It Easy, Red: Stop Now).
  • you have condoms and lube with you in case you are going to fuck or share sex toys, so as to reduce the risk of HIV and STIs. Some activities can result in broken skin. In such cases, it’s important to avoid blood coming into contact with another person’s bodily fluids so as to avoid HIV risk.
  • you know what you are doing, or are with someone who knows what they are doing. This will help to minimise the risk of something going wrong.

Bondage
This is one of the more common types of BDSM activity. It involves the physical restraining of another person and is an important element in dominant/submissive role-play and fantasies.

Bondage can involve ropes, straps, harnesses, handcuffs, belts or even a necktie. Often arms or legs are tied to household furniture. More specialised forms can involve wrapping in cloth, cling-film or tape known as mummification.

Safety Tip:
Never leave a bound person alone; ensure they can breathe easily; change their position at least once an hour and make sure they can be released easily.

Discipline
Again used in dominant/submissive role-play, this involves a series of rules or commands that if broken or not carried out properly will result in punishment.

Punishments may vary e.g. smacking with a hand, cane or other objects: not being allowed to do something that the submissive partner enjoys or being forced to do something he doesn’t enjoy; or verbal abuse/humiliation.

 

Rimming

Rimming is licking or pushing your tongue inside your partner's arse. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but a lot of men love it. It’s often, but not necessarily, done a precursor to fucking as it can help your partner relax.  

The most common ways to do it are to have your partner lying on his front or sitting on your face. This is a personal preference, just go with what you enjoy.

Rimming is very low risk in terms of HIV, but there are other STIs you can pick up through it, including chlamydia, gonorrhoea and hepatitis B. You can be vaccinated against hepatitis A & B for free at a sexual health clinic, including at our weekly m-test drop in. We recommend this for all men who have sex with men.

If you want to be extra safe you can use a dental dam (which come in different flavours) to protect you and your partner, this is just a latex sheet that you can place over your partner's arse hole.

Fisting

Fisting is when one guy puts his hand inside another guy’s ass for pleasure. The difference between fisting and fingering is that for fisting the hand must go at least past the wrist and possibly further.  Like any muscle, your sphincter can be expanded with careful and slow exercise.

For many men, fisting someone, or being fisted, is a massively horny experience. Some men see it as an extremely intimate experience, as you are putting your trust in the hand of your partner. Others find the physical and emotional connection to be a big turn on. 

Fisting is not for everyone. It is important that you are comfortable with it and fully understand what you are doing.  This is why communication throughout the activity is key. If you are new to being fisted then you should make sure the person who is fisting you has some experience of it.

Preparation

If you are going to be the fister, take a bit of time to plan what is going to happen. This can make things go a lot smoother, and safer.

Lubrication is essential.  

Crisco, Boy Butter, J-lube and aqueous cream, are all types of lube used by men into fisting. It is important that the receiving arse and fisting hand are well lubricated. This makes it easier to insert the hand and also decreases the chance of injury to the arse or the lining inside the arse.  However, you need to be careful with the type of lube you use if you are also planning to fuck after fisting.  Many lubes used for fisting are oil-based, which will cause condoms to weaken and burst.

Communication and consent

Communication is key. It is important to understand what you and your partner want, what the limits are, and what the agreed ‘safe words’ are to stop fisting if it goes too far for one of you. 

Consent is not just a one-off, it's constant. You always have the right to withdraw consent at any time. If your partner has taken drugs or consumed alcohol then he may not be in a position to consent freely. He must consent voluntarily and be in a position to withdraw consent at any time.  It is an offence to pressure someone into sexual activity without consent.

Getting ready

Lots of fun can be had leading up to taking a fist: tongues, fingers, dildos and cocks are useful practise tools to help relax your arse. Being relaxed is vital, as the more tense your arse is, the harder it will be to take your partner's hand. If you are the fister, spend some time relaxing your partner by gently playing around his asshole. Remember, if you are going to fuck as well, use condoms to help prevent STIs.  But also remember to use a condom-safe lube. If you are not using condoms, PrEP can prevent the transmission of HIV. 

Fisting your partner

Being the fister (top)

You are the person your partner (the bottom) has placed his trust in. Respect is one of the key considerations here.  Always make sure that you, and the person you are fisting, are able to communicate with each other.  Some men agree ‘safe words’ in case things start to feel uncomfortable or they want to stop. Fisting is not a place for the novice, the fister should be confident in what they are doing. It is important to make sure that fingernails are short in order to prevent the risk of tears inside your partner's ass.  A few key points to note are:

  • Don’t punch your way in! Fisting someone requires great care and sensitivity. Most guys start off with a finger or two. Then, as your partner relaxes, shape your hand into a point (swan neck) by closing your fingers and thumbs together.
  • Make sure to gently work your way in, be slow and don’t rush. Keep checking that your partner is OK and not in discomfort.
  • When inside your partner, some guys then make their hand into the form of a fist. This should only happen if your partner is comfortable with it.
  • If your partner is in any pain, it is important to stop and check that everything is ok. Sometimes you may notice a bit of blood, however, if you notice a significant amount of blood or your partner is complaining about stomach pains then STOP and get medical attention immediately.
  • If your partner asks you to stop, then you must do so. Fisting should be consensual and pleasurable. 
  • Wearing gloves can help prevent STI infections spreading between you and your partner if you have cuts on your hand or arm.

Being fisted

Being fisted can be one of the most sexually charged experiences possible. For some, it is one of the most satisfying sexual activities. For others, it gives them a feeling of fullness that can’t be achieved by a cock.  Whatever your reason for being fisted, it is important that you do it with someone who knows what they are doing. A novice fister could cause a lot of damage to youA few key points to note are:

  • Spend some time getting to know your body and in particular your ass, because it is an area that can give you a lot of pleasure. If you are going to let someone fist you, you should be able to comfortably take more than a couple of fingers. Most guys practice with dildos over a period of time to get used to it.
  • When you are about to be fisted make sure that you are relaxed. However, it is not advisable to use drugs or alcohol for this as it can mask any pain and possibly make you unaware of any injuries. This can lead to situations where significant damage has occurred before it is noticed.
  • Make sure you are able to communicate with the person who is fisting you. It is vital that you are able to let him know if things get a bit heavy and you want to slow down or stop. It can also be a turn on to communicate to your partner the pleasure you are getting from being fisted.
  • Ensure you have plenty of lube available and ask your partner to continue to use lube as you play.
  • If it hurts STOP! Sudden pain and bleeding can be a sign something has gone wrong.
  • Be aware of how you feel in the days after being fisted. If you have a fever then it could be a sign of a tear in your rectal wall and an infection is developing.
  • Remember you can stop and withdraw your consent to continue at any time. This is your right and you should only do what feels comfortable for you. 

Although fisting is sometimes viewed as extreme, in terms of HIV it is still very low risk. The main concern is causing internal damage to the lining of your rectal wall. If this happens you could have a tear in your rectum, which can allow faecal matter to enter the bloodstream causing sepsis - which is serious and potentially fatal. Exercise care! Fisting doesn’t require large or vigorous movement of the inserted hand to cause a powerful sensation for the person being fisted. Sometimes it can be far more pleasurable when slower movements are used.