When it comes to the sex that gay and bisexual men have, anal sex is the act that most commonly springs to mind.

However, we all have our own turn ons and what works for one guy might be totally different for another.

There’s no right and wrong when it comes to the sex you’re into – it’s all about making sure you’re having the sex you want with the most pleasure and the least harm for all involved.

In our Good Sex Guide we look at some of the different types of sex you may be having, offering tips to get the most out of it and how to stay safe. Enjoy!

Anal Sex

Anal sex (fucking) can be great and, for many people, it is the ultimate sexual goal. For others, it might be something that you do occasionally, or only within the context of a loving relationship. Of course, it might also be something that you have no interest in and don’t want to do.

Whatever you choose, it is about ensuring that you are having the right type of sex for you.

Fucking is not an exact science, nor are there any hard and fast rules. The most important thing is that it should be pleasurable for both you and your partner. Preference over active or passive fucking (giving or receiving) is not a reflection of masculinity or a lack thereof – it’s simply down to what you enjoy. Additionally, deciding that fucking isn’t for you doesn’t make you an inadequate gay man. Never let anyone tell you that you have to fuck or be fucked to have a good sex life. It’s is all about what you do or don’t want to do.
 
If it’s your first time fucking, or being fucked, or you’re not very experienced you might have a few worries. You should discuss this with your partner. If you still have questions you can chat this through with one of the SX team. Being informed is the best way for you to feel confident around the sex you’re having, and it can help you enjoy it more.

Many guys who are new to fucking don’t realise that it can be a little sore the first couple of times for the guy being fucked. Even for more experienced guys, a little discomfort is normal but it shouldn’t be extremely painful. If it is, then the chances are you’re rushing into things. Anal sex is best when you are more relaxed. This is because your arse has muscles (the sphincter) that help keep everything in place and keep you continent. So don’t rush things.

Not everyone enjoys their first time being fucked, or even the second or third... but most guys often enjoy it more and more as they get used to it.

If you're not used to being fucked, or indeed are new to it, here are some tips that might help you get started:

  • Some guys find fingering or rimming helpful to make them more comfortable ahead of fucking.
  • Have plenty of lube at the ready - make sure the active partner applies plenty of lube to the outside of his cock and that none is on the inside of the condom.
  • It’s a good idea to also spend a bit of time applying lube to the outside and inside of your partner’s arse. This helps you slip it in a bit easier.
  • If you’re new to being fucked, being on top can help you feel more in charge of how deep, fast, and what angle the cock goes in.
  • Ask your partner to lie on his back and kneel over him, with your ass over his cock.
  • Lower yourself onto his cock and push down gently until he starts to enter you. Feel free to use your hands to guide him in.
  • If you feel uncomfortable, ease off slightly, so that you're applying as much pressure as you can without it being too painful.
  • Wait! This can be the difficult if you're feeling impatient, but you need to keep that level of pressure on your arse. After a short while (usually up to 30 seconds) your sphincter will get used to the pressure and simply relax. You should then suddenly feel his cock slide into you ... pretty painlessly!
  • If you're finding it difficult/painful to get it in, try pushing out a little (like you do when you go to the toilet) when he is trying to enter you. It will make it easier and more comfortable.
  • If you’re still finding it difficult, apply some more lube to both his cock and the inside and outside of your arse and continue.
  • Once his cock's inside you, stay still and give yourself a few seconds to get used to how it feels. It’s normal to have the feeling of needing to poo or feeling full, this should ease after a couple of seconds.
  • Now try gently moving up or down on his cock.

If for some reason this position doesn't work for you, a variation that some guys find easier is for both of you to lie on your side, facing the same direction.

Once you're feeling confident and comfortable, you could go for another position all together - you should now be able to get his cock back in fairly easily when you need to.

Other great positions to try when you're ready are:

1) Start on your back with him kneeling between your legs. Lift your legs so that they are resting on his shoulders. One big advantage of this one is that you can look into each other's eyes.

2) On all fours with him kneeling behind you. You can't really see him, but the sensation is very different to other positions and allows you to feel that he is in charge. However you should always feel comfortable with this and make sure that he understands when things get uncomfortable or you want to stop.

The important thing is to take your time. Get used to how it feels to have another man’s cock inside you.  

Safer Fucking
 
Unprotected fucking carries the highest risk of HIV and Hepatitis C infection. Using a condom will drastically reduce the likelihood of HIV and other sexually transmitted infections being passed between you. Make sure you agree that condoms are to be worn for the duration, and remember that they should be changed every 30 minutes to prevent breaking. When it comes to fucking there is no such thing as too much lubrication!
 
It is normal to notice a little bit of blood, especially if you’re new to fucking. However, it’s pretty hard to damage the inside of your arse unless you put something too big or too sharp up there. A cock is far too blunt and flexible to do damage.

Also, your sphincter can stretch much more than you would expect and will go back to its normal position. If you are into fisting or use large sex toys on a regular basis then you may have a higher risk of stretching your muscles that could lead to incontinence in later life.
 
Fucking, like all sex is something that you will do when you want to, and with whom you want to do it.  It is always your decision.  Don’t do it just to please someone, and certainly don’t feel like you have to do it to get your gay membership card. Remember sex is about enjoyment and pleasure for both you and your partner so don’t let anyone force you into doing it when you'd rather not.

BDSM

Just as we all have different tastes in clothes, music and food it’s the same when it comes to sex.

Some are happy with a suck, a wank and a fuck (what is sometimes referred to as ‘vanilla sex’); others have tastes that could be considered to be a little more unusual. But just because they are unusual doesn’t mean they are wrong – just as enjoying Marmite isn’t wrong.

Some of these more unusual sexual activities are referred to as BDSM.

BDSM covers a whole range of activities that often involve the use of restraint, stimulation of the senses or fantasy role-play. Activities normally involve a mix of Bondage and Discipline; Dominance and Submission; Sadism and Masochism (which is where the term BDSM comes from).

It’s not all about pain though - mostly it’s focussed on power, humiliation and pleasure. Some may take on a dominant or submissive role because it is different from what they normally are in life; others do it because it reinforces how they normally are. The main motivation is that sense of pleasure and enjoyment, which may or may not be sexual.

Safety First
As some of the activities in BDSM could result in injury or worse, safety is important. There are a couple of golden rules to consider.

Make sure that:

  • all those involved are in a fit state to make informed decisions.
  • you discuss and agree to what is going to take place and fully trust everyone.
  • clear limits are recognised. This should involve the use of a ‘safe word’ that will stop all activity. The role play element may mean that the submissive partner will pretend not to wish to take part and in this case saying ‘No’ doesn’t mean No. Very often an unconnected word is used as the safe word, e.g. Jellybean; or the traffic light sequence (Green: OK, Amber: Take It Easy, Red: Stop Now).
  • you have condoms and lube with you in case you are going to fuck or share sex toys so as to reduce the risk of HIV and STIs. Some activities can result in broken skin. In such cases it’s important to avoid blood coming into contact with another person’s bodily fluids so as to avoid HIV risk.
  • you know what you are doing, or are with someone who knows what they are doing. This will help to minimise the risk of something going wrong.

Bondage
This is one of the more common types of BDSM activity. It involves the physical restraining of another guy and is a main element in dominant/submissive role-play and fantasies.

Bondage can involve ropes, straps, harnesses, handcuffs, belts or even a necktie. Often arms or legs are tied to household furniture. More specialised forms can involve wrapping in cloth, cling-film or tape known as mummification.

Safety Tip:
Never leave a bound person alone; ensure they can breathe easily; change their position at least once an hour and make sure they can be released easily.

Discipline
Again used in dominant/submissive role-play, this involves a series of rules or commands that if broken or not carried out properly will result in punishment.

Punishments may vary e.g. smacking with a hand, cane or other object: not being allowed to do something that the submissive partner enjoys or being forced to do something he doesn’t enjoy; or verbal abuse/humiliation.

Masturbation

Wanking, jacking off, bashing one out - call it what you want, the fact is that most, if not all, men masturbate. Strange then that the word wanker is generally used as an insult.

Masturbation can be done on your own, with a partner or in group situations. However you do it, there’s nothing strange or weird – in fact, masturbation is a perfectly normal and healthy part of any man’s sex life. Not only is it enjoyable and natural but it releases sexual tension.

Having someone else wank you off (mutual masturbation) is something that lots of guys do while making out, or just for some fun. It allows you and your partner to explore each other and find out what turns you on and feels good. If you’re wanking a guy off, it can feel good to lubricate your hand, especially if he has been circumcised (cut).  He’ll thank you for it!

However, there’s more to masturbation than using your hands. You get toys (male masturbators) which you stick your cock in and jack off to give pleasure. You can also use objects or items that can feel good against your cock.

And it is not just about your cock, your arse can open a whole new world of pleasure. Some guys will put a finger or two up their ass, others will try and stimulate the prostate which can be felt in your anal canal, others use dildos when they are horny and having fun.

Wanking is pretty much risk free, although doing it for long periods of time can lead to abrasions. If you have cuts and sores on your cock, it can be uncomfortable and may increase the risk of STIs if you go on to things like fucking or sucking. Mutual masturbation is also low risk, although be careful not to get any cum or pre-cum inside your cock or arse just to be safer. And certainly don’t use cum as lube when wanking each other.

Here are some tips you can try either on your own or with a partner.

  • Place some lube on the palm of your hand and rub the head of your/his cock against it.
  • Lie sideways on your bed, grasp your cock and brace your hand against the bed, begin thrusting in and out of your hand, as if you’re fucking.
  • Stop and Go! - Begin to wank as you normally would, then stop when you feel yourself or your partner about to cum. Lie back and relax, and then start again. Repeat this at least four times.
  • Some guys also enjoy rubbing their cocks against their partner this is known as outsex or frottage. It is the stop before penetration and can be really intimate without going the whole way. Be careful though of any fluids such as cum getting into the body, also this is a higher risk for other STIs such as syphilis and chlamydia,
  • Insert your finger into your, or your partner's, arse while you are jerking off, gently go beyond the slight curve inside and you may feel the prostate. This gland can give an amazing orgasm when massaged and it can feel really intimate.
Oral Sex

Blowjob, sucking or oral sex is one of the most common things that guys do to each other. It can be a lot of fun, really intimate and give you mind-blowing orgasms. To be honest, it’s probably one of the sexiest things on earth when a guy is giving your cock all that attention. Equally, sucking a guy can also lead to great pleasure for you as you are the one that is making him feel really horny and turned on as you play with his cock.

What people like in terms of blowjobs is different for each guy and one of the best things is exploring it with each other to see what each of you like. Whether that be slow and gentle or fast and strong, that’s for you to decide. If you are giving your partner a blowjob, remember no cock is exactly the same so your technique should be tailored to your partner’s pleasure.

For a lot of guys the most sensitive area of the cock is the head and this is where they like to have most attention paid. In particular, the fraenulum (or banjo string) that attaches your foreskin to the head of your penis. Guys who are circumcised often like some attention around the scar line and corona (ridge) of the penis head. In both cut and uncut guys, plenty of attention to the head of the cock is a real turn-on.

Other things that guys like include face fucking where you thrust the cock into your partners mouth, or deep-throating, where the cock goes down his throat. Be careful with both of these techniques as your cock can trigger a gagging reflex that could lead to a painful bite!

Here are some tips that might be worth trying the next time you are lucky enough to give or receive a blowjob:

  • Take it slowly and relax – there’s no need to rush in, build up the intensity by kissing him all over his body and teasing his cock.
  • Change the sensation by drinking things like sparkling water or hot drinks (not too hot), or eating foods like mints or ice-cream.
  • Get your hands involved – rub his cock while you suck and play with the sensitive skin behind his balls. Some guys like to have their nipples stimulated when you’re sucking.
  • Use your tongue to stimulate the foreskin or, if he’s cut, the scar line.
  • Talk to each other – ask what he likes.
  • If you gag when deep-throating, try drinking orange juice to make it easier.
  • Breathe out through your nose and take a deep breath before his cock goes in your mouth as this can increase capacity.

If you’re getting sucked, it’s a good idea to know what your partners preference is for where you cum. He might not want you to cum in his mouth and it’s pretty bad manners to ignore that! If you’re giving someone a blowjob and you want them to cum in your mouth, it’s your call whether you want to spit or swallow.

Sucking cock carries a low risk of transmitting HIV, and there is also a risk of other STIs. The best way to protect yourself and your partner is to use a condom.

Rimming

Rimming is licking or pushing your tongue inside your partners arse. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but a lot of guys love it. It’s often, but not necessarily, done a precursor to fucking as it can help your partner relax.  

The most common ways to do it are to have the guy lying on his front or sitting of your face. This is a personal preference, just go with what you enjoy.

Rimming is very low risk in terms of HIV, but there are other STIs you can pick up through it, including chlamydia, gonorrhoea and Hepatitis B. You can be vaccinated against Hep A & B for free at a sexual health clinic, including at our weekly m-test drop in, and we recommend this for all men who have sex with men.

If you want to be extra safe you can use a dental dam (which come in different flavours) to protect you and your partner, this is just a latex sheet that you can place over your partners arse hole.